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{August 21, 2012}   I am very scare…

I am very scared since a couple of days .. scared because it seems I am living in some oblivion and an asteroid is going to strike soon and bring catastrophe in every sphere of my life.

Professionally, I have been getting non-positive feedback from my seniors since many months. Any amount of time or effort doesnt seem to suffice. I indeed slacked for many months due to a disturbed mind at times and other times plain laziness and loss of interest. Now, how hard I try things cant be put back into place. Soon should not come the day when I’d realize that I am not getting  a good reco from my manager.

Talking of reco, I am losing confidence in studies too just when its needed the most. I dont feel like waking up in the morning to study .. I am running away from my books again. I dont want 5th sep to arrive. I am scared of failing.

I am trying not to look at the deadlines I gave myself be it related to studies/work or health. I have started to lose control over eating and working out too. I am giving up too soon and I can see my hard-work is gonna get washed down the drain if this state continues. My body isnt very sweet to me, like everything/everyone else.

I am practicing three different parts at my theatre group and two of them have this common statement ” Why does this have to be so hard”. Sometimes when I say this, it seems every fibre of my body is echoing this sentiment. Really, “why does this have to be so hard”, why is it hard to have atleast one thing easy and my way.

Why is not easy for me to get acceptance and accolades at work unless I perform at at extreme level?

Why is not easy for me to lose weight or inches?

Why is not easy for me to feel secure with this new theatre group? Why do the old memories haunt?

Why is not easy for me to have him the way I had him before?

Why is not easy for me to feel happy and cheerful like I was?

Why is not easy for me to forget what all has been happening with me and to me since so so long? Why is it difficult to not get scared and possess the same faith I did for decades.

Why is it that I lost most of the things which mattered and others carried on successfully.

And why is it that after knowing this, I still go one expecting life to change, him to come back and my fate to be more kind.

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