NoSugar! NoSpice!

{August 22, 2013}   Vomit


I feel so lonely and so full of people in my life at the same time.
I have so many to talk to but no one to share with.
So much to write but no words to express. So I guess my touch screen is my best friend.


Here at home.. It feels each moment is suffocating. I cant tolerate the incessant and immense hatred, bitterness and harshness. Screaming and shouting brings in and ends the day both.
People inside the house are continuously bickering and cursing the people outside it.
I have rarely heard any words of appreciation, love or gratitude… Existence without positivity or warmth is what prevails here.


No amount of efforts suffice. Like always one week in the place drains all the energy and happiness out of me. And this time, staying alone is all the more painful. I wonder how and why do couples co exist in such an atmosphere… How can they sleep at night. How can they pretend day in and day out. What gives them hope?
Now I understand why you are so afraid to be that couple.. Why do you go crazy after each fight.. And why do you have almost negligible patient or trust.
But I also know we are not that couple. I don’t and can’t curse you or criticize you the same way and you won’t either. I love you and want to be with you. And I am stubborn enough to try and make my commitment last.


Yeah… I don’t think you love me the same way anymore. I also think you don’t care that much… You not worrying where I am or how long I am waiting for you and hardly trying to be in touch or ignoring my pings or giving short close ended answers many a time have made me believe so. Its not how I want it to be or expected it to be. But you care enough to make me stay. Do you miss me? You say yes repeatedly and passionately and I try hard to trust you and I even do.


But then I see some dream and something reminds me how I lived some span of life in oblivion.. When I thought you were still the same but you had completely forgotten me. And it makes me shiver. I fight so hard to undo this fear and sinking feeling but it leaves a residual inside my heart which continues to pinch me slowly but steadily. I just want to banish these fears and unsaid threats from my mind.


Its been a while since I felt special or wanted or pampered. I can’t even remember the last time I experienced it. I have forgotten  that I am and was valuable ever. And if anyone else makes me feel that way.. It doesnt matter. I know for a fact I can find new or old guys to like me, love me or want me. But I also know none is better off and I can’t love or respect anyone or his family more than yours. I loved you when I was naive, didn’t care about how my hair, face or tummy was and hardly knew worldly things. I still love you when I am experienced, conscious and slightly bitter and negative.
Loving once again is hardly something I’m capable of.


My heart is sinking.. I am falling in an abyss yet again. Like many times before. I want to just cry my heart out.. Till I faint and fall. What should I do to feel better..


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