NoSugar! NoSpice!











{August 22, 2013}   Vomit

Vomit.

I feel so lonely and so full of people in my life at the same time.
I have so many to talk to but no one to share with.
So much to write but no words to express. So I guess my touch screen is my best friend.

 

Here at home.. It feels each moment is suffocating. I cant tolerate the incessant and immense hatred, bitterness and harshness. Screaming and shouting brings in and ends the day both.
People inside the house are continuously bickering and cursing the people outside it.
I have rarely heard any words of appreciation, love or gratitude… Existence without positivity or warmth is what prevails here.

 

No amount of efforts suffice. Like always one week in the place drains all the energy and happiness out of me. And this time, staying alone is all the more painful. I wonder how and why do couples co exist in such an atmosphere… How can they sleep at night. How can they pretend day in and day out. What gives them hope?
Now I understand why you are so afraid to be that couple.. Why do you go crazy after each fight.. And why do you have almost negligible patient or trust.
But I also know we are not that couple. I don’t and can’t curse you or criticize you the same way and you won’t either. I love you and want to be with you. And I am stubborn enough to try and make my commitment last.

 

Yeah… I don’t think you love me the same way anymore. I also think you don’t care that much… You not worrying where I am or how long I am waiting for you and hardly trying to be in touch or ignoring my pings or giving short close ended answers many a time have made me believe so. Its not how I want it to be or expected it to be. But you care enough to make me stay. Do you miss me? You say yes repeatedly and passionately and I try hard to trust you and I even do.

 

But then I see some dream and something reminds me how I lived some span of life in oblivion.. When I thought you were still the same but you had completely forgotten me. And it makes me shiver. I fight so hard to undo this fear and sinking feeling but it leaves a residual inside my heart which continues to pinch me slowly but steadily. I just want to banish these fears and unsaid threats from my mind.

 

Its been a while since I felt special or wanted or pampered. I can’t even remember the last time I experienced it. I have forgotten  that I am and was valuable ever. And if anyone else makes me feel that way.. It doesnt matter. I know for a fact I can find new or old guys to like me, love me or want me. But I also know none is better off and I can’t love or respect anyone or his family more than yours. I loved you when I was naive, didn’t care about how my hair, face or tummy was and hardly knew worldly things. I still love you when I am experienced, conscious and slightly bitter and negative.
Loving once again is hardly something I’m capable of.

 
 

My heart is sinking.. I am falling in an abyss yet again. Like many times before. I want to just cry my heart out.. Till I faint and fall. What should I do to feel better..

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{November 5, 2012}   The Ass!

There is this ass in my office who keeps howling, demeaning his sub-ordinate. Feels no need to talk in a lower tone while giving instructions/ mean comments/ negative feedback.

I know this for a fact that this a** called A now on is himself not a great employee and is know for slacking at work and misusing company’s resources aka phone etc. He vents out complete frustation on this poor young seedha saadha chap. I feel like giving him left and right and also enticing the fresher dude.

But A is also my lunch buddy and sits adjacent to my cube and my professional life itself is on the rocks now. So I ll just mnage with online cribbing and cursing.

To all the As in every part of the world, you should go and fu** yourself .

Quoting below what the A quotes every now and then —

“tum apna dimag lagao”

” tum problem ko samajhte nahi ho”

“idhar laao apn laptop, main karta hun kaam”

“weekend par sab finish karne ki koshish karo”

 

 



{November 5, 2012}   I ponder..
Everytime I set foot inside a pub or any drinking place, i just end up observing people and things around me.

so engrossed am I in all this, that nothing else seems to be agenda of the day. the last time we went, it was a new place with lots of young people most of them seemingly doing their graduation etc.
a group of young guys with naiveness written all over their faces , sprinkled with the desire to be cool, in-pace and may be outpace their peers.
each one except one drinking and trying to make the odd one out a part of them as well.
When you have all the time in the world but not enough money , you tend to spend time just sipping a single drink and eating slowly. Reminded me of OUR college days. The blessed but the misleading period – misleading as it would set a precedence of how the whole life would be, always on a high and kicking, we d be zealous and passionate, give a damn to the world or pay the least attention to anything but US.
anyways…
an office gang with multi-national and multi-cultural people each grooving in his/her own style .. so much fun to look at! all smiles and joy!!
a gang of pretty girls, each one dressed like a dream and dancing gracefully and sensuously.
group of girls and boys half of them badly drunk hanging on someones shoulders.
guys peeking into the girls dresses as they lay lose and distorted 😛 utilizing their chances completely.
All this and more.. what strikes me now are the dual contemporary emotions of  immense control and lack of control …  alcohol and the intoxicating aura controls one who on the other hand loses control over himself and his senses – this sight is overwhelming.
That feeling of being in your own skin and yet escaping out of it..losing a portion of the mind and the thoughts which stay with you every second.. its magic!
Such beautiful magic that it transcends upon you a fake personality of sorts.
and to become this fake person, one goes till any extent .. cheats/begs/borrows/steals and what not!
rich becomes poor, poor becomes poorer.
relationships break, health dips and what not!
But so magnificent it is to be someone you can only dream to be, blurt out sentences which otherwise just hit the walls of your own brain and echo within you .. such is the power of this experience that everything and anything is fair!!


{October 29, 2012}  

I want to write but I dont know what to.

There is a multitude of things which can be explained, so many feelings which can be expressed but am in this dilemma – should I, does it make  a difference.

 

Anyways before I could sit down and write further, he came back home. I had a call from office and I disconnected in between because I didnt want to be on a call when he comes back after a long day at work.

I wore something new we bought and was excited,  and he enters the building talking to his ex-flame at 11.30pm. Talks for  a few more minutes after entering the house… seems like a quarrel, she/he upset on not being able to talk. And all my excitement is gone needless to say.

May be tomorrow Id come back, see this entry and say that he was just talking to a friend and did’nt find time through the day but that day would be tomorrow, not today.

 

 



{September 19, 2012}   Is it? Can she?

The one who forgives is also expected to forget. Her emotions/thoughts are not expected to be driven by what has been happening to her since a significant number of days.

Does she need special attention/care – yes.

Is she given that – no.

Is it acceptable that she is more vulnerable, less calm and gets worked up easily – Yes.

Is the acceptance given to her – no.

Should she stop loving/caring so much – Yes.

Can she – no.



{August 21, 2012}   I am very scare…

I am very scared since a couple of days .. scared because it seems I am living in some oblivion and an asteroid is going to strike soon and bring catastrophe in every sphere of my life.

Professionally, I have been getting non-positive feedback from my seniors since many months. Any amount of time or effort doesnt seem to suffice. I indeed slacked for many months due to a disturbed mind at times and other times plain laziness and loss of interest. Now, how hard I try things cant be put back into place. Soon should not come the day when I’d realize that I am not getting  a good reco from my manager.

Talking of reco, I am losing confidence in studies too just when its needed the most. I dont feel like waking up in the morning to study .. I am running away from my books again. I dont want 5th sep to arrive. I am scared of failing.

I am trying not to look at the deadlines I gave myself be it related to studies/work or health. I have started to lose control over eating and working out too. I am giving up too soon and I can see my hard-work is gonna get washed down the drain if this state continues. My body isnt very sweet to me, like everything/everyone else.

I am practicing three different parts at my theatre group and two of them have this common statement ” Why does this have to be so hard”. Sometimes when I say this, it seems every fibre of my body is echoing this sentiment. Really, “why does this have to be so hard”, why is it hard to have atleast one thing easy and my way.

Why is not easy for me to get acceptance and accolades at work unless I perform at at extreme level?

Why is not easy for me to lose weight or inches?

Why is not easy for me to feel secure with this new theatre group? Why do the old memories haunt?

Why is not easy for me to have him the way I had him before?

Why is not easy for me to feel happy and cheerful like I was?

Why is not easy for me to forget what all has been happening with me and to me since so so long? Why is it difficult to not get scared and possess the same faith I did for decades.

Why is it that I lost most of the things which mattered and others carried on successfully.

And why is it that after knowing this, I still go one expecting life to change, him to come back and my fate to be more kind.



{August 15, 2012}   There comes a t…

There comes a time when you are afraid to feel happy, scared to let the calmness set in and very apprehensive of even a couple of normal days coming your way.

That feeling is here and that time is Now



{August 2, 2012}   Its fucking fak…

Its fucking fake! everything is temprorary

Life is shit and thats what it always will be. Im destined to suffer and cry and thank you God, for ensuring this every alternate day



{July 26, 2012}   Living on the edge

Standing on the edge..so much on the border that a slight single push throws me down the cliff. And I cry and howl and my whole life flashes across my eyes and I pull myself up holding on to a rock on the edge. Yeah, the same typical movie scene.

Everytime a different rock, sometimes its the optimism and faith dangerously embedded in my system, sometimes the new activities I started – either sweating it out in the gym or theatre or studies, sometimes some momentary good news and other times just the plain need and convenience of me staying put and not disturbing entropy of universe … these rocks keep varying in nature and strength but yeah they do pull me up all the same. Leaving scratches and bruises physically visible and otherwise, instilling a fear in me and making me used to the falling at the same time.

When I am back and returning to stability, I curse myself that why couldnt I maintain my balance. Why the f**k could’nd I be stronger. After all, I ll be back to the same position and situation soon after.. why move from there then at all. Why make everyone see that I had another fall? Why have another “distinguished” bad day?  WHy hve another opportunity to write a depressing post!

 



{July 6, 2012}   Cranked up

I have been dying to write in my space but not getting the time or the privacy to do so. Looking at the few personal blogs I follow, I am surprised at the kind of time, energy and opportunity people find not just to write but also respond to comments etc.  It seems people have formed bonds in the virtual world which are easier to maintain and far less complex. U bet!

Recent happenings and mis-happenings in my life:

1. I and M went out driving around on a bike borrowed from a friend for around 5 days and I just learnt that out car battery died. Just when we were rejoicing about the fuel cost being so minimal for a bike and how much we saved.. bam!! On the top of it, we have to go fetch my parents from airport tomorrow! What timing!!!

2. The fact that we live in a house which has multiple big and small problems viz  a broken center table, a non-functioning geyser, a crappy crap-pot :P, a leaking shower, termite infestation in the woods, insufficient mattresses for guests, a broken washing-machine pipe etc. pisses me to no end every now and then. Its plain ridiculous. Now I and M live very happily in this dilapidated condition but I dont want others to witness the same.

3. My work is more hectic than ever and my manager being an a$$ nowadays is not helping much. The kind of gyaan-showers he has been pelting down on me – would make me appear completely stupid infront of my peers. I just hate my job. I want to quite every other day. Knowing that I can never make it to the top here .. makes me feel insecure and pathetic. But complacency is a big thing alas!! ..so big that all ambitions and dreams go underground when this asteroid hits 😦 Having no financial problems and being a content person also doesnt help much.

4.  The biggest of all.. I want to write so many things but simply do not have the time or the patience to do so. Moreso not knowing where to start and where to end is a bitch.  Now, how do I start cribbing without giving any context!!! 😦

Right now. I am just sitting alone in the house and working on something which is stuck since time immemorial! While my parents are in the same city but NOT with me!! hmmmmphh and its a friday night and M isnt back yet and wont be back before 10pm.

And I was imagining an evening (8pm onwards) with both M and my parents since morning.. 😦

I really want some pampering right now! Now, now and now!! 😦 There is dinner but I am not going to eat alone today at all! Im saaaaaaaaad..super saad and cranky!

Signing off…



et cetera